The Waiting Game

When I was young, I saved my pet sitting money and dreamed up my next big purchase - like a Razor Scooter, a security camera for my bedroom (true story), a phone-booth telephone for my room, a CD Walkman, and eventually a laptop.

Thankfully, my parents thwarted some of my crazier ideas, and in the process taught me a great lesson about patience. My dad required me to wait ten days and think about my purchase. If I still deemed the purchase worthwhile at the end of the ten-day period, he would drive me to the store to spend my hard-earned dollars.

Frustrating, to say the least! Today, however, I am grateful for this lesson. Not only has it saved me from numerous impulse purchases and rash decisions, but it has also proved that waiting for something you care about is worthwhile.

But what about big life decisions?

Often we're asked to wait: by parents, employers, institutions, or our Heavenly Father.

Tyler and I wanted to wed sooner. I had dreamed of a December wedding.

Instead we were asked to wait. In return, we received the blessing of our parents, the presence of our beloved families...and a July wedding. Looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way. God's timing was perfect.

It is always perfect. The wait is always worth it in God's story. He loves to bless His children.

I trained hard for my marathon and planned to cross the finish line in under four hours. Red light. You can't plan around hospital visits.

While I still feel some disappointment, I also have an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my returning health. The fact that I was well enough to audition was a gift straight from Heaven.

Now I find myself in the waiting game yet again. We have some direction and information from my school choices, but not enough to make a decision or move forward. Schools operate on their own timetables, and I will not always be first on the list.

It would be easy to mope around or wallow in anxiety. Sometimes I'm halfway there. I'm taking it one day at a time, loving the opportunities and relationships in front of me.

On a perfect Friday afternoon, Brooklyn and I headed to my parents' neighborhood lake and soaked up the beauty of it all.

Brooklyn is my daily reminder that, "LIFE IS AWESOME!!!!" because she embraces every moment as if it is the best moment of her life.

The Serious Post

By now, some of you know that Tyler and I are considering the possibility of relocating, at least for a time. This has been a topic of conversation around our home for about a year now. I've applied to three schools for graduate studies in piano. One audition is down. Two more are just around the corner.

"Auditions? Sounds exhausting..."

We aren't any closer to making a decision - that's not really the point here -  but we are excited to be walking one step at a time by faith and with the support of our families and close friends. A huge part of my silence on this issue (including our wonderful survey trip last year) was due to the fact that I didn't want to post my plans when I was unsure of the outcome. But you know what? I'm not afraid of "failing." By Grace, my perspective is changing from that unhealthy pass/fail goal mentality. We want to be where God wants us in every season, wherever that may be and whatever that may mean.

That said, my mom and I had a super fun, 48-hour trip to Texas last weekend.

Highlights included fresh tacos, gluten-free goodies, a run in 20-degree weather (this Florida girl has tougher skin than we thought!), and seeing Frozen for the first time. 

(Side note: I've jumped on the bandwagon: Frozen exceeded all my expectations. I can't stop listening to the soundtrack; it's been my non-stop packing/getting ready music. I purchased the Deluxe Edition just in time for our upcoming road trip! Sorry, Ty!)

Mom experienced Taco Joint for the first time!

I could survive on tacos.

Tu-Lu's = Gluten Free Heaven

Mallow Bar? Yes, please.

I should probably purchase a pair of running leggings. I really couldn't feel my legs at the end of this run.

Beautiful winter!

Freezing at Frozen! This was the perfect pre-audition activity!

Post-audition DQ.

Of course there was practicing and the actual audition, but that was truly a small part of our quick trip. It's ironic how so many hours go into such a short event. It meant so much to me that my mom came along. Without her, I may have just moped around nervously. Instead, we had a blast exploring together!

Brooklyn says, "Piano is overrated."

Don't worry, Brooklyn. After the long drive, there will be plenty of outside time in beautiful Texas for you.

"That's a promise, right?"

We leave tonight! Your prayers are appreciated.

With that, I leave you with some non-Frozen words that have been looping in my mind.

~

"For you bless the righteous, O LORD; you cover him with favor as with a shield."

-Psalm 5:12

"But the LORD of hosts, him you shall honor as holy. Let him be your fear, and let him be your dread. And he will become a sanctuary..."

-Isaiah 8:13-14a

"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."

-Job 42:2

"The LORD of hosts has sworn: 'As I have planned, so it shall be, and as I have purposed so it shall stand.'"

-Isaiah 14:24

"For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind."

-Job. 23:14

"God is unchanging in His person, purposes, and promises; and yet He feels emotions and interacts responsively with His creation." - Randy Pope

"Most people, if they really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. There are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise...if I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." -C.S. Lewis

It Is Finished

The Hope and Joy of Christmas are incomplete without the Promise and Assurance of Resurrection Sunday.

It just so happens that a reminder of the Resurrection was wrapped beneath our tree this year in the form of the album, "The Water & The Blood," by Dustin Kensrue and Mars Hill Music.

I recommend this album to you in every respect. This is coming from a girl with snobby music tastes. Rarely have I found such a beautiful union of rich theology and musicality.

I am thankful that for all my shortcomings in 2013 and all the challenges looming ahead in 2014, there is One greater. And for music that pours Truth over me.

(Click here for an acoustic video of the song.)

"It Is Finished," by Dustin Kensrue

There's no deed that can redeem us
There's no rite, no magic word
Only by the work of Jesus
Can salvation be secured

It is finished! He has done it!
Let your weary heart rejoice
Our redemption is accomplished
Raise a shout with ragged voice

And go bravely into battle
Knowing he has won the war
It is finished, lift your head
And weep no more

There's no sacrifice to offer
There's no penance to complete
Freely drink of living water
Without money come and feast

Let every sinner rejoice
Hear the dying victor's cry
Raise up your voice
Sing it out through earth and sky

In Which the Story Takes an Unexpected Turn

I used to fancy being an author. A children's storybook author, actually. But then I decided the best children's authors also illustrate their books, and I can't even pretend to draw or paint without numbers or very bold boundaries.

As I look back, I'm starting to wonder what it really is about storytelling that drew me in. I do tell stories, in many ways. You could easily argue that musicians are storytellers, portraying the plot, conflict, and resolution through the medium of sound. I find I'm healthiest when processing through journaling and so pen my own story as it unfolds. 

But these are stories I only tell after the fact, as they unfold. An author creates, the story. He has the right to throw in a plot twist or an unexpected detour. I can only tell the story He writes. 

Maybe my desire to be an author wasn't so unusual. Maybe it wasn't so much about a profession as it was a control issue. Maybe I'm not alone in that.

Don't you ever wish all your plans went according to YOU? I know better, because every plan I've ever relinquished has unfolded more beautifully than I could have imagined. (He really is a GOOD author.) Still, I plan and plan away. And I find myself flabbergasted and frustrated when my plans don't coincide with the story He's penning.

Ten days ago, I woke up with horrible abdominal pain and nausea. I vomited more times than anybody needs to know and called in sick to work. Food poisoning. A bug. Again? I felt like the pharmacist and I were already on a first-name basis by this point.

Two days later I found myself being transported to the ER with a high fever, intense pain, and dizziness. They told me I have a bad bacterial infection in my gut and possibly an inflammatory bowel disease.

Six days, lots of pokes, IV antibiotics, tears, hugs, consultations, visitors, flowers, and cards later I went home. My own bed never felt so good. Except, I was nauseous and couldn't eat. I threw up too many times again. I always have a good appetite, but I tell you that nothing was more laborious than trying to swallow a few crackers or sip of juice.

We are so blessed to have good friends in the medical field, and I landed some awesome doctors while in the hospital. My GI doctor called back - after hours - and told me to come in the next morning. I didn't take my oral antibiotics that night and woke up feeling like a new person the next day. I showered, ate bowl of cereal, and styled my hair. It turns out my antibiotics were causing all the nausea and vomiting. I have been off them for thirty-six hours now, and I feel wonderful, though still tired.

But this leads to some decision-making.

I knew it was providential when I my nurse yesterday walked in with a 26.2 pendant around her neck. We talked runner talk, and I told her about my scheduled marathon that's only ten days away. She made me feel comfortable from the start. Per her suggestion, I talked with the doctor about my race and my upcoming graduate auditions. He listened, which is something I deeply appreciated. I listened to his advice and suggestions and thought long and hard all day.

My piano teacher called to check on me yesterday afternoon, and reminded me of the importance of recovering. She reminded me that my health has to be first on the list. I listened, and thought long and hard.

Ty and I talked long and hard over tacos and nachos (my first normal meal -- yum!). He listened, and we talked some more. Then he gave me his advice.

Being a grown-up stinks sometimes, doesn't it? Making hard decisions is downright, er, hard.

When I signed up for this marathon, Tyler and I talked through our priorities. We both knew from the start that my health and my auditions had to rank higher than my running goals.

Do you know how hard it is for me to say that I'm not going to run my marathon next week?!

There. I've been beating around the bush.

My natural instinct is to run the race. I'm trained enough. I'm ready. The doctor didn't exactly say I couldn't, so that's a yes, right?

Since there's a chance of IBD, my condition could return under that type of pressure, especially this soon in the recovery phase. Because my first audition is just over a month out, I can't afford to take that chance. I don't want to be hospitalized again. I don't want to sacrifice months of preparation just to say I crossed a finish line.

Do you know how hard it is for me to admit that I don't have control over this situation?! I don't know what the next page, much less the next chapter, looks like. But I do know this: I trust the Author. He is Good. He Loves me. If a week in the hospital taught me anything, it taught me just how blessed I am. Tyler and I were overwhelmed by the support of our families, church, and friends. Forgive me if I still haven't responded to your email or call. Thank you for being gracious to us in this time.

To be continued, as He pens.

Holding My World

And this is Your world, you made it
And all of creation is breathing because You sustain it
Jesus, by your powerful word
You spoke out the earth and the heavens

So I will not worry or fret
My God is the God who will never forget
All of His goodness and all of His promises
He's holding my world in His hands

And these are Your days, you give them
All for Your fame and all for Your glorious kingdom
Jesus, You have ordained
All things to dwell in Your purpose

And I am your child, beloved
And all of my days, my future is laid in your promise
Jesus, to the end of the age
I am not alone or forgotten

So I will not worry or fret
My God is the God who will never forget
All of His goodness and all of His promises
He's holding my world

(Kristian Stanfill, "Holding My World")

Why I'm Not a Fitness or Food Blogger...or Facebook User

Not to worry, this post is not a slam again any who may indeed fall in the above categories.

As I have grown in my walk with the LORD, I have come to better know myself.
I have learned - through trial and error - that some perfectly acceptable things are not good for me.

I'd love to have a running blog. But I know I'd strain myself to keep a perfect record with blog-worthy race times and workouts. I'd feel guilty for enjoying a rest day, and therefore work until injury.

I'd love to adhere to a strict diet and tell the world about my health successes. I'd tell myself it was all for my family's well-being while actually weaving my own web of control and simultaneously finding myself tangled.

I tried Facebook for a while, after many years of outright avoidance. I found that it, too, was not good for me.

I am too intense for some things.

No, really.

I am driven. Competitive. Regimented. Anal.
I am a perfectionist. I am a control freak. I know few failures.

I am not to be trusted. When left to my own devices, I will nearly always take a good thing and bow down to it as an ultimate thing.

I have stopped logging every hour (minute, actually) of practice. I let myself eat sweets. I take training rest days. I don't do all these things perfectly, but I continue to claim the reality that there is nothing I can do to make God love me any less or any more.

I am in need of Grace. Sweet, daily Grace that covers even my "righteous" filthy rags.

"Whatever men expect, they soon come to think they have a right to: the sense of disappointment can, with very little skill on [the devil's] part, be turned into a sense of injury." -C.S. Lewis

"It is not your business to succeed, but to do right; when you have done so, the rest lies with God." -C.S. Lewis

A Child's Memory

Has it really been twelve whole years?

September 11, 2001 is a landmark day that stands out in my childhood.

I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when we received notification of the first plane crash into the WTC. At this point, we all thought it was a fluke, a terrible mistake. I turned on the news and continued my eleven-year-old life as normal. I sat eating my breakfast and watched alone in horror as the second plane hit its mark in real time. I remember watching the plane's approach and crying out in warning, as if I could stop the unavoidable from happening, as if they could hear through my television.

I grew up some that day and the days following. I learned what horrific evil and violence there are in the world. I learned that family is a gift. And I learned that we had heroes walking among us, some in uniforms and some disguised in business suits and street clothes. True countrymen respond to needs with action and courage. And how many countless stories have we heard of heroism and selflessness?

May we never forget these stories, and may they be exhortations to us now, for today.

To Vie Without Vanity

How does one set goals and make plans while holding dreams with an open palm?

How does one move ahead in faith when the outcome is unclear?

How does one balance personal ambitions and relationships?


All these questions - and more - are constantly racing through my mind.
I am beginning the application process for graduate school.
So many applications and hours of practice and letters and to-dos and performances and auditions have to happen before we have a clue as to our next step. I am hesitant to even say this, because of the lingering question - the most haunting of all - "What if I fail?"

What if I don't get into the schools I desire?

What happens if my goals are blocked?

Do I see my life as purposeful and valuable without the achievement of my musical goals? (Well, that's a loaded question!)


Over a recent dinner with friends, there arose a discussion about a movie in which a performing artist goes to extreme measures in the pursuit of perfection. Ultimately, this cost the artist everything - relationships, career, sanity, and life itself. One of my friends shared his main takeaway, and it really struck me. I haven't stopped thinking about his words.

It was all for nothing.
There was no reason to go to such lengths.
Everything seemed like such a big deal in that tiny world.
There was a complete loss of perspective.
Pointless.

And the wisdom of Solomon keeps returning to me.

"I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind." (Ecclesiastes 1:14)

"Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I have expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 2:10-12)

"For all his days are full of sorrow, and his work is a vexation. Even in the night his heart does not rest. This also is vanity." (Ecclesiastes 2:22-24)

"Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work come from a man's envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity and a striving after wind." (Ecclesiastes 4:3-5)

Does this mean that there is no value in the work of my hands?
Absolutely not! The LORD created man in His own image. God is a creator, and he gave us work and creative abilities. We have the tremendous privilege of showing, on a small scale through our work, the greatness of our Creator. This is no small responsibility. Oh, but how quickly our creations begin to appear far too attractive. We lose perspective. This is when all is vanity.

I am truly sobered. Almost without notice, my hands can go from serving the Creator to creating idols. On a dime, I can turn and bow down to my own carven images instead of offering my life as a living sacrifice. (Romans 12:1) Quickly my good intentions and desires become ultimate, and therefore vain.

When these things happen, I have no rest at night.
My family suffers.
I have no peace.
I have been there. (Maybe even ten or fifteen times this evening!)

LORD, guard my heart! You have a good and perfect plan for my life. Help me to sincerely pray, "Thy will be done." Grant me balance as I work hard, but not to obsessive lengths. Teach me what it means to be a "small c" creator. Give me a heart for people and things outside my own small sphere. Cause my heart to be obedient and my hands to follow.

Amen.

Everyday Philosophy

Food for thought on developing a complete philosophy - not just a theology - of Christianity. Below are some quotations from Francis Schaeffer's book Art and the Bible.

"The Lordship of Christ over the whole of life means that there are no Platonic areas in Christianity, no dichotomy or hierarchy between the body and the soul. God made the body as well as the soul, and redemption is for the whole man."

"...if Christianity is really true, then it involves the whole man, including his intellect and creativeness. Christianity is not just 'dogmatically' true or 'doctrinally' true. Rather, it is true to what is there, true in the whole area of the whole mean in all of life."

"...the Lordship of Christ should include an interest in the arts. A Christian should use these arts to the glory of God - not as tracts, but as things of beauty to the praise of God. An art work can be a doxology in itself."

"Do we understand the freedom we have under the Lordship of Christ and the norms of Scripture? Is the creative part of our life commited to Christ? Christ is the Lord of our whole life, and the Christian life should produce not only truth - flaming truth - but also beauty."

Repost? Philosophical Piano Lessons

I found this post in my drafts folder, and I'm not sure I ever published it.
The original date is August 2010. Wonder of wonders, I find myself in very much the same place fifteen months later in my journey of art and faith. No, it's an intensified place.

This morning I am playing in a master class for a well-known pianist and pedagogue. I am very excited, but I am not as prepared as I would like to be. And that is just going to have to be okay. (I cringe even as I type this!) I am working as hard as I possibly can right now without losing my sanity. Despite the imperfections, I want to give all of my creativity and feeling.

Stumbling upon this old post was timely for me.

"Do we understand the freedom we have under the Lordship of Christ and the norms of Scripture? Is the creative part of our life commited to Christ? Christ is the Lord of our whole life, and the Christian life should produce not only truth - flaming truth - but also beauty." --Francis Schaeffer
--------

August 2010

I had my first piano lesson yesterday, too, and it went better than I'd expected. (Have I said how much I love our new music building? Boukie's office has a window! I'm convinced my artistry will deepen purely because of the effects of natural lighting.) I'm working on Bach's second Partita. Here's a clip of the sixth "movement," which I'm far from even starting at this point. Enjoy listening to and watching one of the most renowned pianists of our time! She is brilliant. I am so inspired! If you're curious as to what I'm spending so much time on right now, you can listen to another one of Martha's recordings from a much earlier date. I love putting good music at your fingertips. I'm such a teacher.
Oh, but such a learner! Yesterday after my lesson, I came to the conclusion that I could look at a single page of Bach every day for the rest of my life and still find something new each day.

Boukie was pleased with the work I'd done, but told me I needed to be "more imaginative." In his exact words, "You are way too anal. Your life is too black and white. Music doesn't fit neatly in either category." While I know that he is in part referring to the fact that I'm "religious" and "moral," he really got me thinking beyond Bach and piano.

Because I believe that the Gospel affects every aspect of my life, I have to take into consideration what it means for my musicianship to exist within this realm. Shouldn't my musicianship be a reflection of my Relationship with the Good and Holy God? I read this morning from Deuteronomy 6, where God tells the people through Moses just how present His Law is to be in their midst. It was meant to be totally integrated in their way of life - in their existence. That was a big "woah" moment this morning.

As much as I'd like to deny what Mr. B said about me, I know it to often be stingingly true. I'm a perfectionist, a high achiever, a spiritual moralist.
How is it that my piano teacher knows so much about me? The answer must be that my personal life is reflected not only in the way I talk and act, but also in the sounds I create.

If you're following my train of thought, this led me to ask myself this question: Am I "anal" (to use Boukie's description) in my approach to spirituality? Do I worry so much about particulars and rights and wrongs - important things, don't get me wrong - and miss out on singing the sweet song of my Savior?
I am a perfectionist, a high achiever, a spiritual moralist.
The answer is an overwhelming yes.

Just as a piece of music is compromised when the heart is not fully engaged, I compromise deep soul nourishment when I neglect to spend time in the presence of God. I have experienced the pure melody of soul satisfaction, and still I do. I should just be.