Monthly Musings: August

1. There are a zillion and one things competing for my loyalty.

First, a bit of history.

Nearly two years ago, we began this journey to Dallas. Of course, we didn’t know the destination at that time. Tyler and I had a very significant conversation regarding my pursuit of piano lessons with an esteemed teacher. We both knew the first question she would ask was, “Why?” I’d graduated, received two degrees. Six months later, I was begging for more. Why? Stepping out in faith, we began to explore the possibility of graduate school.

One of the biggest hurdles for me in that preliminary decision-making process was my previous experience. To say my years at UCF were busy would be an understatement. I wasn’t just a devoted student, dedicated practicer, or over achiever. I was a slave. I worshipped achievement and performance until I was shackled and disoriented.

When I began my student teaching, I hit a wall. Suddenly, much of my identity was snatched away from me. I did not have time to practice. I was not in charge of my schedule. In many ways, I was lost. How grateful I now am for that experience, because through it I was able to see myself as a person and not only a pianist.

Why was I hesitant about submerging even a pinky toe into the tumultuous waters of grad school? I feared myself. More than failure, rejection, or opinion of others. I knew I could not trust myself. This is one of those times I am ever grateful for my husband. The LORD knew he was just what I needed. Throughout that entire process, he was my gracious and honest accountability partner. As the one closest to me, I knew he would be the first to notice any downward spirals or unhealthy patterns. Believe me, they existed. They still exist. By God’s grace, I am moving forward in this area of my life. Many days it’s an uphill climb.

So here we are. In Dallas. I’m one week into school. This has been on my mind constantly over the last few months. I think the LORD wants me to notice two things: He deserves my loyalty, and He wants me to press into Him.

The temptations to give my allegiance to other gods are great. But He is Greater. Just because this is difficult doesn’t mean I’m not supposed to be here. In fact, I have come to see it is a big reason why I am here. Continuing to walk by faith studying under the Very Best Teacher.

2. Humility is attractive.

As I entered school, a newbie and outsider, I had a choice to make. I will continue to make that choice every day. I realize how frighteningly easy it would be to tout my accomplishments, teachers, and experience - unintentionally, even! I have been consciously trying to shut up! Not just because I am a little fish in a big pond, but because nobody enjoys being with someone who constantly has something to prove. I don’t have anything to hide, but I also don’t need to advertise myself. I am not a product; I am a person. I know I would much rather interact with other people.

3. I am a complainer

Pastor Winburne’s words still burn in my mind: “Unbelief always starts with an ungrateful heart.” (Sermon link: here) When it comes to big things, I get it. I am still amazed that we are here, that I am attending my dream school, and that we have not been in want. It’s easy to remember to be thankful for the big things. The small things, however? That’s where I find myself sighing and getting all worked up about trivial matters. Tyler is particularly sensitive to this, so that is another reason I want to be more aware of my instinctive reactions to the everyday disappointments, schedule upsets, and unwanted surprises.

4. Rest restores my humanity.


Last Sunday, Pastor Winburne’s sermon was all about experiencing Sabbath rest. That sermon deserves a post all to itself, but I do want to highlight one caveat. According to the Book of Genesis, God rested on the seventh day of creation. (That’s probably not news to most of you.) As image-bearers of the Most High, we were intended to experience soul-satisfying rest, too. When we ceaselessly work, we clutter our hearts and minds, leaving no time or space to be responsive to the work He is doing in our lives, families, and communities. Sabbath-keeping is His kindness to us, because it preserves and restores our humanity. It defines us not by what we do but by who we are: image-reflectors, adopted children, and members of a global family. Ironically, this rest is hard work! It is meant to be done in community, with the encouragement of our brothers and sisters. I must make every effort to safeguard it and place my faith in the completed work of Christ. This will enable me to truly love, instead of viewing others as means to manipulate. It is finished. My striving can cease for a day. There is sweet, satisfying rest for those who seek it.

Blogging buddy!