Patient's Prose

So I'm afraid I've come down with something icky.
Before you all panic, rest assured that I do not have the swine flu. :)

Rather, I've caught some virus. My new piano duet partner recently found out she has bronchitis compounded by a second cold. Whatever I have is probably some form of that. After all, we've been sitting fairly close on a bench for the last week and a half.

I'm so thankful this day is coming to a close. Unfortunately, it was my longest day. After sleeping quite restlessly, I decided I'd try to contact my piano professor and see if I could schedule a make-up lesson later this week. Well, his phone was on silent, so I had no other choice than to drive out to school. I opened his office door at 8 am, proclaiming that I was feeling under the weather. Since he was entirely unavailable later this week, we both decided I'd might as well stay.

After my lesson I embarked on the journey of four consequent classes. My concluding class happened to be just about as far away from my car as is possible on campus. Because I was feeling quite lousy at this point (and because my mom was unable to get an appointment with my primary care doctor - after all, if I'd caught bronchitis, I'd be in need of an antibiotic), I decided to venture over to the campus health clinic. It was my first doctor visit all by myself. I've concluded I'd much rather have my Mommy by my side!
I waited a very long time. Finally I went back up to the desk to discover that I'd been forgotten. =/
By now, the idea of lugging my heavy backpack (of all days not to put books in my locker!) back to my car was just overwhelming! Did I mention I'd only had a single Pop Tart all day? I suppose that's my fault, but all the coughing had taken away my appetite. My loving mommy drove all the way out to school just to pick me up and drive me to my car! Isn't she wonderful? I think she may have driven into some loading area. Either that or the ambulance drive.

She also bought me some delicious soup from Panera, but I'm afraid nothing really sounds good. She and I have since been watching movies. We finished Jane Eyre, watched all of Mansfield Park (thank you, Christina W!) and now we're watching Pirates. It's been forever since I've seen it! I'd forgotten how good it really is. Johnny Depp is brilliant!

All my miserable driving today really got me thinking. It's partly because I was listening to the philosophical "Come Now Sleep" by As Cities. And also because I was stopped at train tracks behind a car who's bumper read of Gandhi's words: "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."

God's sovereignty hasn't been far from my mind today. In fact, I've been quite annoyed with it. After all, wasn't I just sick one month ago? Aren't I under enough stress with school? And - really - couldn't He have picked a week other this this one, seeing as Tyler is coming down this weekend?

The two sides of me have been arguing all day. Yesterday, too, really. I found myself excessively complaining about a certain class, acting as though it's the end of the world. Today I've been enjoying my own pity party. In all honesty, I've been falsely acting as if God owes me something. That is the root issue behind my "justified claims." Haven't I been a good girl? Why would He inflict this sickness upon me and take away the joy I've been looking forward to this weekend? Why would He be so cruel?
Though I've heard of the Goodness of God all my years, I'm afraid the concept still hasn't truly sunk in. Intellectually, I believe. Often times the heart is slow to parallel. Instead of viewing God as a Father who delights in His daughter, I've reverted back to the visual image of a frowning King waiting to smite sinners.

I'm encouraged because Naomi struggled with these same issues. Her concerns were far greater than mine, but the root issue is the same. She felt as though God's hand was heavy against her and even instructed her friends and neighbors - her covenant community - to refer to her as Mara, meaning bitter.

The As Cities Burn CD journeys through these same ideas. It was written after a good friend of theirs committed suicide. Where was God?
In my analysis, they ultimately come to the conclusion that God is bigger than the situation and that though "our world is grey," God never lets go.

Of course I know my predicament is far less severe than As Cities' or Naomi's, and that helps put my small affliction into perspective.
I'm sorry if my train of thought is difficult to follow. My faculties probably aren't operating at their height today (though, strangely, my professor said my Bach Prelude was significantly more musical in spite of my sickness). This is the dissection of my own brain - a scary feat! I'm trying to bring this together, but it's still formulating inside. Follow if you dare! :)

Back to the bumper sticker. How sad it made me to read Gandhi's words over and over while waiting for a very long freight train to pass. What sort of wound had this driver experienced that led him to despise Christians so much? Why is it we so often fail to reflect Christ? As I've discovered time and time again, I can't be good enough. I can't be a better example or a worthier follower of my own will. I can't just decide to be better! Goodness! Can't I learn this lesson once and for all?! As Cities also points out that "I'm in the wrong body." Yes, I've been redeemed, but not yet perfected. That can be a frustrating thing for a perfectionist!

So what is it that makes me so quick to rely on my own merits? As I've been re-reading Phillip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace?, I think I'd have to say my hesitations to accept grace.

I've included some of his words that particularly struck me.

"The gospel is not at all what we would come up with on our own. I, for one, would expect to honor the virtuous over the profligate. I would expect to have to clean up my act before even applying for an audience with a Holy God. But Jesus told of God ignoring a fancy religious teacher and turning instead to an ordinary sinner who pleads, 'God, have mercy.' ...grace does not depend on what we have done for God but rather what God has done for us." - pages 54-55

"Jesus' story makes no economic sense, and that was his intent...Grace is not about finishing last or first; it is about not counting. We receive grace as a gift from God, not as something we toil to earn...." -page 61

"Why, then, do I so often act as if I am trying to earn that love? Why do I have such trouble accepting it? ...Weighed down by repeated failures, lost hope, a sense of unworthiness, we pull around ourselves a shell that makes us almost impervious to grace. Like foster children who choose again and again to return to abusive families, we turn stubbornly away from grace." - pages 67-68

My movie has since been turned off (I'd sort of neglected it for this pursuit). Now that I've taken time to think, to write, to process, I feel better - both physically and emotionally.

Perhaps this small trial is an act of Grace. Perhaps it's God's loving Hand once again directing me to Calvary, where the debt was paid once and for all. Perhaps I needed reminding that Grace is mine - free of charge.

Just perhaps. But I have a hunch.