In Which the Story Takes an Unexpected Turn

I used to fancy being an author. A children's storybook author, actually. But then I decided the best children's authors also illustrate their books, and I can't even pretend to draw or paint without numbers or very bold boundaries.

As I look back, I'm starting to wonder what it really is about storytelling that drew me in. I do tell stories, in many ways. You could easily argue that musicians are storytellers, portraying the plot, conflict, and resolution through the medium of sound. I find I'm healthiest when processing through journaling and so pen my own story as it unfolds. 

But these are stories I only tell after the fact, as they unfold. An author creates, the story. He has the right to throw in a plot twist or an unexpected detour. I can only tell the story He writes. 

Maybe my desire to be an author wasn't so unusual. Maybe it wasn't so much about a profession as it was a control issue. Maybe I'm not alone in that.

Don't you ever wish all your plans went according to YOU? I know better, because every plan I've ever relinquished has unfolded more beautifully than I could have imagined. (He really is a GOOD author.) Still, I plan and plan away. And I find myself flabbergasted and frustrated when my plans don't coincide with the story He's penning.

Ten days ago, I woke up with horrible abdominal pain and nausea. I vomited more times than anybody needs to know and called in sick to work. Food poisoning. A bug. Again? I felt like the pharmacist and I were already on a first-name basis by this point.

Two days later I found myself being transported to the ER with a high fever, intense pain, and dizziness. They told me I have a bad bacterial infection in my gut and possibly an inflammatory bowel disease.

Six days, lots of pokes, IV antibiotics, tears, hugs, consultations, visitors, flowers, and cards later I went home. My own bed never felt so good. Except, I was nauseous and couldn't eat. I threw up too many times again. I always have a good appetite, but I tell you that nothing was more laborious than trying to swallow a few crackers or sip of juice.

We are so blessed to have good friends in the medical field, and I landed some awesome doctors while in the hospital. My GI doctor called back - after hours - and told me to come in the next morning. I didn't take my oral antibiotics that night and woke up feeling like a new person the next day. I showered, ate bowl of cereal, and styled my hair. It turns out my antibiotics were causing all the nausea and vomiting. I have been off them for thirty-six hours now, and I feel wonderful, though still tired.

But this leads to some decision-making.

I knew it was providential when I my nurse yesterday walked in with a 26.2 pendant around her neck. We talked runner talk, and I told her about my scheduled marathon that's only ten days away. She made me feel comfortable from the start. Per her suggestion, I talked with the doctor about my race and my upcoming graduate auditions. He listened, which is something I deeply appreciated. I listened to his advice and suggestions and thought long and hard all day.

My piano teacher called to check on me yesterday afternoon, and reminded me of the importance of recovering. She reminded me that my health has to be first on the list. I listened, and thought long and hard.

Ty and I talked long and hard over tacos and nachos (my first normal meal -- yum!). He listened, and we talked some more. Then he gave me his advice.

Being a grown-up stinks sometimes, doesn't it? Making hard decisions is downright, er, hard.

When I signed up for this marathon, Tyler and I talked through our priorities. We both knew from the start that my health and my auditions had to rank higher than my running goals.

Do you know how hard it is for me to say that I'm not going to run my marathon next week?!

There. I've been beating around the bush.

My natural instinct is to run the race. I'm trained enough. I'm ready. The doctor didn't exactly say I couldn't, so that's a yes, right?

Since there's a chance of IBD, my condition could return under that type of pressure, especially this soon in the recovery phase. Because my first audition is just over a month out, I can't afford to take that chance. I don't want to be hospitalized again. I don't want to sacrifice months of preparation just to say I crossed a finish line.

Do you know how hard it is for me to admit that I don't have control over this situation?! I don't know what the next page, much less the next chapter, looks like. But I do know this: I trust the Author. He is Good. He Loves me. If a week in the hospital taught me anything, it taught me just how blessed I am. Tyler and I were overwhelmed by the support of our families, church, and friends. Forgive me if I still haven't responded to your email or call. Thank you for being gracious to us in this time.

To be continued, as He pens.

Why I'm Not a Fitness or Food Blogger...or Facebook User

Not to worry, this post is not a slam again any who may indeed fall in the above categories.

As I have grown in my walk with the LORD, I have come to better know myself.
I have learned - through trial and error - that some perfectly acceptable things are not good for me.

I'd love to have a running blog. But I know I'd strain myself to keep a perfect record with blog-worthy race times and workouts. I'd feel guilty for enjoying a rest day, and therefore work until injury.

I'd love to adhere to a strict diet and tell the world about my health successes. I'd tell myself it was all for my family's well-being while actually weaving my own web of control and simultaneously finding myself tangled.

I tried Facebook for a while, after many years of outright avoidance. I found that it, too, was not good for me.

I am too intense for some things.

No, really.

I am driven. Competitive. Regimented. Anal.
I am a perfectionist. I am a control freak. I know few failures.

I am not to be trusted. When left to my own devices, I will nearly always take a good thing and bow down to it as an ultimate thing.

I have stopped logging every hour (minute, actually) of practice. I let myself eat sweets. I take training rest days. I don't do all these things perfectly, but I continue to claim the reality that there is nothing I can do to make God love me any less or any more.

I am in need of Grace. Sweet, daily Grace that covers even my "righteous" filthy rags.

"Whatever men expect, they soon come to think they have a right to: the sense of disappointment can, with very little skill on [the devil's] part, be turned into a sense of injury." -C.S. Lewis

"It is not your business to succeed, but to do right; when you have done so, the rest lies with God." -C.S. Lewis

Further Reading

Still processing....

That's good stuff, right there! I want to be truly JOYFUL in my pursuits.
The puritans got it right from the start in the Westminster Shorter Catechism.

This catechism is the first thing I recall ever learning; my dad taught me and quizzed me quite a bit through my primary years. Sometimes he still catches me off guard with questions. I'm a little rusty, but this one I've never forgotten.

Quest. 1. What is the chief end of man?
Ans. 1. Man's chief end is to glorify God,(1) and to enjoy him for ever.(2)
(1) I Cor. 10:31; Rom. 11:36.
(2) Ps. 73:25-28.

(Source: http://www.westminsterconfession.org/confessional-standards/the-westminster-shorter-catechism.php)

To Vie Without Vanity

How does one set goals and make plans while holding dreams with an open palm?

How does one move ahead in faith when the outcome is unclear?

How does one balance personal ambitions and relationships?


All these questions - and more - are constantly racing through my mind.
I am beginning the application process for graduate school.
So many applications and hours of practice and letters and to-dos and performances and auditions have to happen before we have a clue as to our next step. I am hesitant to even say this, because of the lingering question - the most haunting of all - "What if I fail?"

What if I don't get into the schools I desire?

What happens if my goals are blocked?

Do I see my life as purposeful and valuable without the achievement of my musical goals? (Well, that's a loaded question!)


Over a recent dinner with friends, there arose a discussion about a movie in which a performing artist goes to extreme measures in the pursuit of perfection. Ultimately, this cost the artist everything - relationships, career, sanity, and life itself. One of my friends shared his main takeaway, and it really struck me. I haven't stopped thinking about his words.

It was all for nothing.
There was no reason to go to such lengths.
Everything seemed like such a big deal in that tiny world.
There was a complete loss of perspective.
Pointless.

And the wisdom of Solomon keeps returning to me.

"I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind." (Ecclesiastes 1:14)

"Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I have expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 2:10-12)

"For all his days are full of sorrow, and his work is a vexation. Even in the night his heart does not rest. This also is vanity." (Ecclesiastes 2:22-24)

"Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work come from a man's envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity and a striving after wind." (Ecclesiastes 4:3-5)

Does this mean that there is no value in the work of my hands?
Absolutely not! The LORD created man in His own image. God is a creator, and he gave us work and creative abilities. We have the tremendous privilege of showing, on a small scale through our work, the greatness of our Creator. This is no small responsibility. Oh, but how quickly our creations begin to appear far too attractive. We lose perspective. This is when all is vanity.

I am truly sobered. Almost without notice, my hands can go from serving the Creator to creating idols. On a dime, I can turn and bow down to my own carven images instead of offering my life as a living sacrifice. (Romans 12:1) Quickly my good intentions and desires become ultimate, and therefore vain.

When these things happen, I have no rest at night.
My family suffers.
I have no peace.
I have been there. (Maybe even ten or fifteen times this evening!)

LORD, guard my heart! You have a good and perfect plan for my life. Help me to sincerely pray, "Thy will be done." Grant me balance as I work hard, but not to obsessive lengths. Teach me what it means to be a "small c" creator. Give me a heart for people and things outside my own small sphere. Cause my heart to be obedient and my hands to follow.

Amen.

Remembering

It used to be that you would hardly find me without a camera and a journal on my person. While I have been lazy about my photography and journaling habits in recent days, tonight I am reminded of the importance of documenting and recording life.

Every now and then I spend some time pouring over old journals. This is not because I'm entirely self-obsessed or find my words particularly elegant. It is because I long to remember. Tonight I found myself spending some much needed down-time with folders and folders of photographs. Just as my journals tell stories of a range of emotions, each photograph conjured up specific feelings. It's as if I can place myself back there entirely. Almost like jumping right into the picture.

Scanning the faces of my family and friends, I remember the celebrations and joys.
I remember why some smiles seem forced. Because sorrow is a part of life, too.

I remember what it was like becoming an aunt for the first time.
I remember the shopping trips that did not necessitate photography (but we brought a camera anyway).
I remember warm welcomes and bear hugs after long separation.
I remember laughing so hard about nothing.
I remember the sound of baby giggles.
I remember the weather and the details behind why I was wearing that.
I remember waiting on answers from God.

I remember.

And I am thankful.

Each memory is an evidence of God's continued goodness in my life.
Not every present moment feels Kodak-worthy, so I stop recording.  Consequently, I not only miss the opportunity to give thanks in this moment, but I also forgo reaping the benefits of looking back on today.

I know I suffer from Gospel Amnesia. That is, I am quick to forget the promises of God that are yes and amen for me in Christ Jesus. This is why I look back and reflect. This is why the people of God were commanded over and over throughout scripture to remember.

"Oh give thanks to the LORD; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works!
Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice!
Seek the LORD and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
his miracles and the judgements he uttered,
O offspring of Israel his servant,
o children of Jacob, his chosen ones!
He is the LORD our God;
his judgements are in all the earth."

-1 Chronicles 16:8-14

What Makes a Good Day?

Hello, friends.

Here it is Friday, yet again.

Ever have those weeks that start great but end less than wonderful?
You survive the uphill climb Monday and Tuesday, arrive on top on hump day, and then take a fast downhill plummet Thursday and Friday.

No? I guess it's just me then.

When I think of each day this week, a single word instantly comes to mind, summing up my feelings toward that day.

Good.

OR

Bad.

I view my days in absolutes.

In my economy, the the goodness of a day is rated on a scale of productivity.

If I accomplish, achieve, succeed, progress, or check all my items off the list, it has been a good day.

If more than one or two of my goals is unmet, I quickly label my day negatively.

This has been an unhealthy pattern in my life for many years. Having experienced the bondage and guilt that ensue from this mode of operation, I have made a significant effort to balance my lifestyle. I preach the Gospel to myself and surround myself with friends who remind me that there is nothing I can do to make God love me any more or any less.

I don't need to achieve in order to receive acceptance, because my works were never the crux of the matter. When God the Father looks upon me, He sees only the perfect life Christ lived. The Great Judge was satisfied when Jesus Christ took the punishment for my wrongs (and my continued efforts to do right in my own strength!). Not only that, but the Judge adopted me and bid me call him Father.

I am declared perfect by the One who has all authority.
I am loved by a Father as if I have been guiltless from my first breath.

Yet still my soul is downcast when I fail. Failure may seem a strong word to you, but that is the weightiness of what I experience some days when I come up short on my practice hours, experience relational tension, eat poorly, or lose my constant housekeeping battle.

You see, I am realizing (and re-realizing) that it is not just my days I label, but myself.
My entire identity so easily intertwines itself with my goals. While it is sick, I must admit I love feeling like a one-man assembly line. Give me a challenge. I'll meet it.

Irony of ironies. In an effort to truly find my worth, I have dehumanized myself.

Beep boop.

This is why we must preach the Gospel to ourselves daily. Hourly. Moment-by-moment. My heart idols of pride and acceptance and control will find a way to rear their ugly heads in any and every situation possible.

Just as the solution is not found in perfect days, neither will it be found if I stop practicing, avoid relationships, ignore my health, or let the dishes pile up. These are all good things. It is when I let them become ultimate, defining things that my life is out of balance. It is so much easier to be extreme than to find a happy medium. So much easier to do the maximum or the minimum. It is the simplicity that proves far more challenging than the complex.

We can seek to uncover our heart idols by asking questions like, "What am I most afraid of?" or "What is the one thing I don't think I can live without?" Things that make us angry are often deeply rooted in heart idols, as well.

So now that we all feel terrible about ourselves, what do we do?
If you're like me, you simply want a checklist, a rubric to make certain you have all your bases covered, all your ducks in a row. Beat those idols into the ground. That'll show them.

And of course all that would be counterproductive.

Paul tells us, "If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10:9, NIV)

Saved. Continually. Daily. From my wrongs. From my "rights."

My legal status has been and will always remain one of innocence in the Judge's eyes. My salvation is sure and secure. But my heart needs reminded of that which will always remain true: I am loved apart from my works. It's never been about me. It never will be.

I want to take my cue from Paul, who considered nothing as valuable as this Truth and continued to press forward in the face of setbacks.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ - yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:7-14, emphasis mine)

I am so thankful this old Truth continues to resonate!

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23, emphasis mine)

Everyday Philosophy

Food for thought on developing a complete philosophy - not just a theology - of Christianity. Below are some quotations from Francis Schaeffer's book Art and the Bible.

"The Lordship of Christ over the whole of life means that there are no Platonic areas in Christianity, no dichotomy or hierarchy between the body and the soul. God made the body as well as the soul, and redemption is for the whole man."

"...if Christianity is really true, then it involves the whole man, including his intellect and creativeness. Christianity is not just 'dogmatically' true or 'doctrinally' true. Rather, it is true to what is there, true in the whole area of the whole mean in all of life."

"...the Lordship of Christ should include an interest in the arts. A Christian should use these arts to the glory of God - not as tracts, but as things of beauty to the praise of God. An art work can be a doxology in itself."

"Do we understand the freedom we have under the Lordship of Christ and the norms of Scripture? Is the creative part of our life commited to Christ? Christ is the Lord of our whole life, and the Christian life should produce not only truth - flaming truth - but also beauty."