Out of Control

I've always had a lot of nervous energy. I'm not a worry-wart, per se, but I definitely battle anxiety, especially about the future and things that are out of my control. Recently I had coffee with an old friend, and she said with a smile of truth, "Jessie you're not just a type A, you're a double A."

In November, I experienced my first panic attack. I know it was a panic attack, because it was logically irrational. The power-steering in our truck went out while I was driving alone. I was able to pull the car into a parking space, but I was a mess. I could not slow my rapid heartbeat or shortness of breath. I could barely put words together to describe the problem to Tyler. I left the car in the parking lot and hunkered down at a bookstore until he arrived about an hour later. I hid amongst the books and found solace in photos of Weimaraners, wishing I was home in bed with both a book and my own Weim. We had intended to go to Disney that evening, but it was all I could do to drive Ty's car the short distance home. I was unable to pull myself together.

I experienced a second attack of sorts while sitting at Bible study later that month. Again, there was no logical justification for it. I was with women I love and trust, but it was all I could do to keep from screaming, "I need to get out!" I was instantly claustrophobic. As with the previous experience, this was also accompanied by rapid heart beat and shortness of breath.

I met with a counselor several times in November, and she helped me to see how multi-dimensional an issue like this can be. She reassured me of God's love, first and foremost. Sometimes an issue is spiritual in nature. Sometimes it is chemical/emotional. Usually it is a blend. Our spiritual challenges are not divorced from our chemical make-up or personality type. Neither should any chemical imbalances be treated without an examination of the soul. I knew the Lord wanted me to search my heart regarding my anxiety and reveal the idols that had entangled me and left me helpless and wanting. Nancy's words struck me deep in my soul, "Jessie, I don't want to just recommend medication and imply that this is not related to your spiritual journey. Chances are, God is trying to teach you something through all of this. But that is not to say that you should have to live with symptoms of a chemical imbalance for the rest of your life, if there is a real issue. There is a time and place for medication."

I began to read up on anxiety, especially articles by trusted Christian authors. I was still in the middle of processing when I landed in the hospital. And you know what? I am beginning to see how that was God's good providence in my life. It allowed me time to think and be, apart from the insanity of my schedule and audition preparations. It was a reminder of how loved and cherished I was, by my family and friends and my Heavenly Father. 

Discharged ten days before Christmas, I had six weeks to complete my preparations for my first audition. Only, I had no energy. Earlier in December, I had run twenty miles without thinking twice about it. Upon returning home from the hospital, I could barely run a single mile without feeling dizzy and lightheaded. I did not have my audition program securely memorized, and I could not play all the way through from start to finish without feeling extremely fatigued. 

Oddly enough, I didn't feel overly stressed. The attacks that had previously debilitated me did not return. The Lord graciously covered me with His Peace, and I walked into my first audition prepared only because of Grace - only because He loves to bless His children. I auditioned for three schools in three consecutive weeks. I loved every moment of exploring with Ty and Brooklyn. I soaked up the time with our friends. While we were tired from our travels, we felt refreshed and ready to move forward.

It was during the waiting process that I again began to do battle with anxiety. Two long months dragged by at a snail's pace. The results were entirely out of my control. Most days, I was able to ward off any extreme anxiety by standing on the promises of God. I hung onto the Words of the Scriptures. There were day that I battled hard. Days when I felt the rapid heartbeat creeping up, the need for control overtaking small situations - a desperate attempt to regain stability. Then there were a few days I succumbed, days I didn't want to get out of bed. I am increasingly thankful for the support of my husband, my parents, and my small group during that time. Overall, I felt a freedom from anxiety that I had not experienced in the fall. In my heart, I was certain of God's goodness and control, though I still had moments of disbelief.

Now we are heading to Texas. While it may appear that my wish has come true (and in many ways, that is the case), I am not deceived into thinking that life will be easier or better because of this. If anything, there will be more opportunities to combat fear and anxiety. But this I know: there will also be more opportunities to trust our Good God and to see Him prove Himself faithful yet again. He has already provided housing for us, and we sign our lease tomorrow.

While coast-bound this weekend, I encountered a violent rainstorm. The rain fell in thick sheets as I crossed the long bridge to Saint Petersburg, the usually clear-blue waters gleaming a blackish-emerald as they waved rapturously against a charcoal sky. Even though I did my best to drive slowly, I began to lose control of the car. I slowed down even more, but the steering wheel began shaking. I began praying aloud, asking for the Lord's protection and for an immediate escape from the situation. The road was hardly recognizable, especially with all the nearby construction. I guided the car to a Chick-fil-a. Let me tell you, that red sign never looked so beautiful as it did in that moment.

Once inside, I took some time to calm down and wait out the storm. I was okay. My heart was still pounding, but I had not panicked. I was scared, but I had found my way to safety. I could still make it to my scheduled piano lesson. About twenty minutes later, the rain had slowed to a drizzle, so I made my way back to the highway. Everything happened a second time and so very quickly. With the blink of an eye, it was pouring once again, and I could not stay in my lane. Clearly my car was unfit for highway driving in this weather and I had to get off. This is when the panic truly began. I couldn't find an exit. I couldn't see. I somehow managed to get Ty on speaker, but he couldn't understand me. I don't remember how, but I made it off the exit and to a Wawa parking lot. The rain shielded me from any outside eyes as my tears fell by the pint. I was literally breathless and shaking. Scared and alone.

Without a second's thought, Ty announced he was leaving work that very moment. I remembered his family was headed my direction for our weekend graduation festivities. They would arrive before Tyler would, so I made arrangements for them to pick me up at a nearby Starbucks. I sat inside for nearly three hours and began writing this post, hoping to process my experience. In that three-hour window, I still could not steady my heart. When I finally saw my husband, I hugged him and wouldn't let go for a long time. He is so good to me, and kept me close to him the rest of the night.

We all went out for Ty's Dad's 50th birthday dinner. I dressed up, put on heels, and painted on a smile. I really wanted to be entirely present, but I still felt on edge and slightly panicked. My family was so gracious to me. No one expected anything of me. They just accepted me and let me move at my own pace. They loved me very well this weekend, never saying my fears were ungrounded or silly. On the way to dinner, Ty prayed over me. He held my hand tightly under the tablecloth intermittently during the meal, his firm grasp reassuring and encouraging.

When my head finally hit the pillow, I slept soundly through the night. In the morning, I felt refreshed and ready to take on the day. And I think that is what God is showing me. One day at a time. One step at a time. Sometimes minute by minute. He is Good. He is Trustworthy. He loves me. While it was a weekend full of challenges, it was a weekend full of Grace. I am thankful.

CFA chill time

Thankful for this college grad!

Back home with my pup!