Last Thursday I had the worst day ever.
There were no illness diagnoses or vehicle collisions or even relational traumas. This day was entirely about me, myself, and I.
I awoke with a grey cloud hovering overhead -- unusual for this morning person. Typically I rise with spring in my step, anticipating breakfast. I pack Ty's lunch, grab a cup of coffee, and hit the keys at 5AM.
This day, however, things were headed downhill by 5:30AM.
Let me give you a snapshot of my day:
My fingers were not cooperating.
My coffee slid off the icy car roof and spilled on my dress. (A tragedy that went beyond the dress -- I was looking forward both to caffeine and a hot drink!)
I realized at my lesson that I had memorized a piece incorrectly.
My laptop crashed and refused to turn on -- a discovery made at the start of my Baroque history class.
I had to perform a piece for my pedagogy class and felt entirely distracted and unprepared, due to the laptop fiasco. I played poorly and blamed only myself.
I cancelled my lessons, so I could spend my afternoon at the Apple Store. I felt like a bad teacher.
I took a glass out of the cupboard, only to have the entire shelf collapse. Three cups broke. (I'll never have a complete set of wine glasses.)
No, this is not a rant. This is my thankfulness list, because each one of these weaknesses and deficiencies reminds me that
I cannot handle it all. I will always disappoint myself and feel inadequate. I will make mistakes and let others down. I will not and cannot have all the answers. I cannot manipulate every moment into a squeezable tube of productivity.
But you see. That's the problem.
I
have been able to do. Even with the 60+ hour weeks and heavy practice demands. I've been quite impressed with myself, really.
The Sunday prior to this fateful Thursday, I was reminded of my arrogance and pride. I felt the Lord's gentle nudging, drawing me back to Himself, speaking Truth.
The Word is living and active, and it breathed into my soul.
"...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1b-2, ESV)
I knew I was in the race, alright. I had laid aside many things in order to run my hardest -- as I well should. Ah, but the verse doesn't end there, does it? Jesus was not in my sights. Instead, my own accomplishments were forcing me to restless striving.
I asked the Lord to humble me and reveal my dependence on Him. That week, my prayer was answered. After many tears, a nap, a long embrace, and a meal at my favorite restaurant ever, I began to gain some perspective.
"It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? [H]e disciples us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed." (Heb. 12:7, 10b-13)
I don't think this at all means that God was punishing me for my pride. Thankfully, He doesn't operate on my default merit-based system. It is because of His goodness that He redirects us. It is in His very nature to give only the best to His children, and He
Himself is the very best.
Nearly a week later, I am counting these losses as gain, thanking my Father for lovingly bringing me back to Himself. After all, there is nothing better than remembering I don't have to do it all to achieve His acceptance and love. Jesus' perfection abundantly covers my deficiencies. Even the accomplishments of which I boast don't elevate my status. I am already loved as much as I ever could be. I am a child of God.
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do." (Romans 8:1-2)
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| (Loaded sweet potato fries with the best husband ever don't hurt either!) |
