This morning I was awakened earlier than normal by a strange and disturbing cry.
I looked at my phone: 3AM. Then I walked out to the kitchen where Blue was sleeping in his crate.
He was crying.
Let me back up. Yesterday I noticed Blue wasn't feeling well. He's had trouble walking for the last six months or so, but recently it had become more laborious for him walk a lot. Yesterday I couldn't get him to get up out of his bed. He messed in the house twice, because he couldn't walk to the back door. In the afternoon I carried him to and from the backyard. The doctor had told us that Blue had a misplaced disc in his back, so we just assumed it was flaring up.
But yesterday I noticed he was not himself. I let him sit in the backyard for about an hour, thinking he might enjoy being outside. When I went back out to look for him, he was lying under the bushes and couldn't get up. I sat there with him, in the dirt, and then carried him inside so he could sleep comfortably in his bed. He lay in the kitchen by me while I chopped veggies and listened to Chopin's Noctures.
I knew he was sick, but until this morning I didn't know the severity of his sickness.
He was in terrible pain this morning, limply lying in his crate and distortedly opening his mouth for breath. Each time he heaved, he cried a terrible cry. I woke Mom and together we tried to comfort him, but he barely acknowledged our existence. We woke Dad and he loaded up the car, Blue inside his crate, and Mom and I took him to the emergency clinic.
After an examination, the doctor came in and told us that Blue's condition was very serious. His blood pressure was extremely low, and he was severely dehydrated. The doctor could not make a conclusive diagnosis without X-rays and blood-work, but he suspected kidney failure. He said Blue was suffering badly.
Mom and I talked, and then we went back to see Blue. He looked even worse - his cries now low moans - and his eyes were dull and cloudy. I had to make a very hard decision. All I wanted was to scoop him up, take him home with me, and rock him like a big baby. I wanted him to have his bed. But I knew that was a selfish wish, so instead I stroked his head while he breathed his last. My tears hit the table, and I kissed his head.
It's a strange thing to arrive to a clinic with your dog, and then leave with box. I felt its heaviness - his weight - as I carried his body home. Now a white box - adorned with green flowers and Blue's name with a heart - sits nearby. I don't quite know what to make of it. The finality of it all is too much to bear just yet. I'm truly feeling the weight of having so many that I love far away. I just never imagined that I'd have to say a last goodbye to Blue this soon.
I know this is lengthy, and I don't mean to spoil your Sunday. I'm thankful it's the Lord's day, as I need the closeness of fellowship. Tonight we're having a celebration service for my pastor, whose cancer has been in remission for five years now. I'm playing the piano for a song titled, "Healing is in Your Hands."
For me, it will be a time to praise a God who gives and takes away. I think I will feel that all too acutely.
I'll close by sharing some of my favorite memories of Blue.
-I remember clearly the morning I found the ad - "free dog" - in the classifieds. I was up early and the first to contact the owners.
-When we first met Blue, he charged in the room, hopped on the couch, and nestled his nose into our hair. Strange, yes, but I was enchanted. I'll never forget the crying boy in the other room, who was loathe to see his dog go. I feel his pain.
-When we had some remodeling done in our home, workers were in and out all the time. Henry the tiler was here for quite some time, and he brought his lunch with him every day. I don't know how many times Blue managed to scarf down Henry's sandwich. Henry actually grew very fond of Blue and made a game out of it.
-One thanksgiving we all transitioned from the dining room into the family room, leaving some food still on the table. Next thing we knew, Blue was on top of the table, nose in the turkey and potatoes.
-Blue had a nose for anything edible. In his younger years, he had enough spring to actually grab a loaf of bread off the counter. It's still common to see loaves of bread stacked on top of the toaster or in the middle of the island.
-I used to sneak him any dinner items I didn't like. ;)
-As much as he loved food, he always waited patiently for dinner. After I'd fill his bowl, I'd instruct him to wait. I could walk away, and still he'd sit, waiting for my command to eat.
-When we first brought Tootsie home, Blue would have nothing to do with her. He acted like an old fuddy duddy as the wired puppy annoyed him to no end. Before too long he warmed up to her, and they enjoyed playing together.
-One of Blue's other favorite spots was under my bed. Once Tali and I were having a sleepover and suddenly felt something moving beneath us. Turns out Blue had snuck under there without our knowledge.
-Blue had a knack for bolting out the front door if it was ever cracked open. He always went two places: our next-door neighbor's trash (I'm gone through their leftovers numerous times), or Maggie's house. Maggie, Emma, and Wesley were always so sweet to him. He always came home, and I always recognized his quiet scratch at the front door.
-Back in the day my brother was fond of throwing me in the pool. Blue barked and barked as I screamed, and once he even jumped in after me and saw me to safety.
-My friend Megan and I are used to love watching Wishbone. Many times when she came over we played detectives and Blue was our trusty sleuth dog.
-Blue and Tsukasa had a cute relationship. He liked her Japanese snacks and usually found some while she was packing. She would yell and yell, "Bruuu!" :) But every time she came home I heard her say to Blue, "I actually missed you."
-Once he found an entire bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Peppermint Patties (separate occasions). We found the wrappers and empty bags. He was fine.
-Blue had a bark! Our neighbors hated us for it, but he barked right on through any sort of shock collar. (De-barking was out of the question!) He was always on the hunt for squirrels and caught one once. I disposed of it very quickly. Until recently, there was a trail marked out in the backyard that Blue would run every day.
-Whenever I brought baby sitting kids over, the little ones loved to pet him. While Tootsie would have none of it, Blue always sat there and let the kiddos touch him. He was so sweet to children.
-Blue was a manly dog, but he let me dress him up every now and then. He hated his and Toot's matching winter sweaters. I tried a Batman Halloween costume once, but that was a no-go. His favorite was his Gator shirt, hands down! He also looked very handsome in kerchiefs.
-Every winter we make fires in the fireplace, and Blue loved to sit near the warmth.
-He knew some great tricks, and even had some cool spin moves in his younger years.
-He was the kind of dog that got into trouble quite often. But we all loved him for his curiosity and mischief (especially my sister, when he ate her hand-decorated Christmas cookies! ;) He was family - sometimes they mess with your stuff, but you love them anyway.
Most importantly, he was mine. Every time I walked in the door and said his name, his whole body seemed to nod in acknowledgement. He knew he belonged to me, and I loved him. I have many great memories of our time together.
And now the family photos. The dogs just had to squeeze in...
Blue Bagel Smurf M: December 2, 1999 - August 29, 2010
